he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
