Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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