I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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