Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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