I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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