My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
