you told grandpa to call you daddy
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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