When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drunk is not a location!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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