Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
