That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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