Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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