I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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