You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
