My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
