so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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