I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
