Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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