The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm both gender and math confused
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
