dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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