I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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