i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Randomize
