Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
