yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
this boner is exhausting
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
