I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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