I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
