why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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