that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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