Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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