I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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