he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
