So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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