I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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