The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
