Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
