Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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