Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
