Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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