i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
