Your dad touched me again.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
