Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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