You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
