C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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