i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
