im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Acid is not a monday night drug
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
