My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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