Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
