dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize