I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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