My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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