Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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