I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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