i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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