he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Don't EVER smell your tampon
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
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