Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
